And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
