i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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