Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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