White coat. Heels.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
