how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
