Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
