found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
