Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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