Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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