There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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