she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
