I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
