can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
