Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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