I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
