She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
