mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Randomize
