If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
