I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
