we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
