I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
