The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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