i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
