my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
