Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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