I CAN MOONWALK!
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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