I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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