Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
