Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
