he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
