Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
