Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i dont even know how to be here
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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