Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize