I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
