Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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