My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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