Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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