well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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