its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize