is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
