I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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