ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize