I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
