I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
