Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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