omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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