you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize