i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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