I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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