how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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