I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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