Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
