I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The dick lei will go down in squad history
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
