My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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