My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
