Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
