Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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