i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
