it's like iHOP with fire
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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