The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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