Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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